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The Cable Guy by Judd ApatowBased on a Screenplay byLou Holtz Jr.Shooting Script October 31, 1995 (White)Revised Pages November 13, 1995 (Blue)Revised Pages November 14, 1995 (Pink)1 FULL FRAME - WHITE NOISECredits begin. The entire frame is filled with white noise within which one can mak
Steven's secretary Joan is watching a news report about the Sam Sweet trial on a mini television.
On the TV - a Female Prosecutor gestures with a shotgun as she questions a policeman.
Joan changes channels. The image changes to LARRY KING interviewing ALAN
DERSHOWITZ regarding "the abuse excuse."
BACK TO SCENE
Steven walks over to Joan.
STEVEN
(to his secretary)
Did anyone notice I'm late?
JOAN
What are you talking about, you've been
here for an hour.
STEVEN
Thank you.
Steven walks to his office.
81A INT. STEVEN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Steven walks behind his desk. He notices something which disturbs him. His computer is on. He
clicks a button and a message comes on the screen.
ON THE SCREEN - "GOOD MORNING STEVEN. HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY. HERE'S
AN EXTRA SPECIAL SURPRISE."
Then an image comes on the screen. It is black and white surveillance video, digitized to the
computer format. The video is of Robin and Steven talking. It is the conversation they had before
they watched "Sleepless in Seattle."
STEVEN
Work's good.
ROBIN
How's Hal?
STEVEN
Don't get me started. That guy has no
vision. It's like working for Mr. MaGoo.
He's just worthless.
ROBIN
It's just great that you're getting to do
it. It's a real step up.
STEVEN
I know. Now if only someone at corporate
smartened up enough to dump Hal, then I
could really get some stuff done.
The sccene starts again. It is on a loop. Steven is aghast. He looks up and sees the scene is playing
on every computer in the office. He gets a panicked look on his face. Is Hal seeing this? He runs
out of his office to prevent Hal from viewing this.
81B OFFICE BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS
Steven runs to the edge of the stairs and looks down.
STEVEN'S P.O.V. - He sees Hal downstairs, walking into his office.
BACK TO STEVEN - He runs down the stairs towards Hal's office as fast as he can.
81C INT. HAL'S OFFICE
Steven walks in. Hal is sitting behind his desk staring angrily at the computer. He looks up and
sees Steven.
HAL
Don't worry. I didn't see it --- 'cause I
have no vision.
Steven knows what's coming.
82 OMITTED
82A OMITTED
82B OMITTED
82C INT. PARKING GARAGE - LATER
Steven walks to his car carrying a box filled with his belongings. He has been fired. Suddenly a car
alarm beeps. It's headlights flash. Then another, and another. Soon he is surrounded by screaming
car alarms, and flashing headlights. He looks around in fear.
STEVEN
Chip! Chip, this isn't funny! Where are
you?!!!
Suddenly they all stop simultaneously, and then the only sound is a miniacle laugh echoing through
the garage.
Steven runs to his car, and gets in. He drives up the ramp in a panic. From out of nowhere the
Cable Guy steps into the beam of his headlights. He cannot stop in time. The Cable Guy is thrown
into the air, then lands on the back of the roof of the car. Before he falls off he grabs on to the bar
of the luggage rack.
Steven looks through his rear view window and sees the Cable Guy staring at him.
As Steven continues to drive the Cable Guy climbs on to the roof of the car, then jumps on the
hood, and stares at Steven through the windshield. Steven swerves around, almost losing control
of the car.
STEVEN
Leave me alone! I have no job, no
girlfriend, no family anymore! It's
over! You won!
(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)
CABLE GUY
(menacingly)
Oh no. It's not over. It's just gettin'
started.
He turns a corner very sharply throwing the Cable Guy off his car. The Cable Guy falls to the
ground, rolling many times, then leaps to his feet using the momentum of the roll, and runs off,
scampering like a supernatural bug.
83-94 OMITTED
95 OMITTED
95A INT. NEWSROOM - NIGHT
ON THE TV - The local news.
MARK THOMPSON
The jury has notified the judge that they
are very close to reaching a verdict, and
would like to keep deliberating into the
evening hours.
Rick is sitting at his desk. A FEMALE RESEARCHER walks over, and sits down.
RESEARCHER
There are five people named Ernie Douglas
in this county. Two are African
American. One is eighty-five years old.
One is eleven years old, and the last one
is in a wheelchair.
RICK
So we're nowhere. Ernie Douglas? Ernie
Douglas?
She begins tapping her foot nervously.
RICK
Could you stop that?
RESEARCHER
Don't snap at me. I'm doing this as a
favor.
He continues staring at her two-tone wing tipped style shoe.
RICK
(has an epiphany)
Wait, could you start that again? Start
tapping your foot again.
She begins tapping. Rick begins humming the theme to "My Three Sons." She joins him. They sing
louder and louder. They've broken the code.
(Revision Ends - Blue)
96 INT. STEVEN'S KITCHEN - NIGHT
The PHONE RINGS. Steven runs in the front door, and picks up the phone.
STEVEN
Hello.
RICK (VO)
Bingo. "My Three Sons."
STEVEN
Chip and Ernie Douglas.
97 INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS - INTERCUT
Rick sits at his desk. The researcher is at his side.
RICK
I've got a list of every cable installer
fired in the last four years. Every one
of these guys has the same physical
description as our friend.
(reads from the list)
Murray Slaughter, Brendan Walsh, Sam
Malone, Alex Reiger. There was even a
guy who liked to be called 'the big
Ragu.'
97AA INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Steven walks in and looks for the Cable Guy's hidden camera as he speaks on the phone.
STEVEN
Carmine from "Laverne and Shirley."
RICK
That's so sad that you know that.
Anyway, the cable company in town fired a
guy six months ago named Darren Stevens.
He stole the truck and disappeared.
That's our guy.
Steven finds a small camera in one of the television speakers. He rips it out.
STEVEN
So he doesn't even work for the Cable
Company?
97A INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Quick cuts of Steven bolting doors, and locking windows.
RICK (VO)
He was fired for beating up a customer
who yelled at him for being late. A
company in Denver thinks they might have
a lead on who he really is.
If I were you I'd lock down tonight.
I'll call you when I get some more info.
98 INT. STEVEN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Steven is watching television. He struggles to stay awake.
ON THE TV - Court TV. The prosecutor in the Sam Sweet trial is speaking.
PROSECUTOR (ON TV)
Don't let your memories of these cute
twins distract you from the fact that
this funny star of a situation comedy
killed his own brother in cold blood,
then called the police and said he was
killed by an Asian gang. There was no
laugh-track on that night.
The prosecutor's words turn into gibberish as Steven's eyes go heavy and he falls asleep.
99 ON STEVEN - HE IS ASLEEP HE SLOWLY WAKES UP.
The gibberish turns into clearly spoken words, only this time the voice sounds more familiar.
ON THE TV - We see the Sam Sweet trial. A prosecutor makes a passionate final summation. We
reveal that it is the Cable Guy.
CABLE GUY
This man killed his own brother. Some
people don't even have a brother...
The camera pushes in on the Cable Guy's face. He looks to camera.
CABLE GUY
...do they Steven? Are you listening to
me? Don't shut it off. Don't shut it --
ON STEVEN - He shuts off the TV, and walks out of the room.
100 INT. STEVEN'S HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
The entire apartment appears much larger. Steven walks down the hallway. He looks into the
living room and sees Rick.
RICK
Why do you keep icing me man?
100A INT. ELONGATED BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
He opens up a door and sees an elongated version of his bathroom. The shower is steaming. The
two eight year old Sweet twins stand in front of it looking very spooky. He quickly closes the
door.
100B INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
He continues down the hallway and opens the door to the dining room, but when he opens it he
sees Robin's bedroom.
100C INT. ROIN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Robin is in bed. A man wearing a cable installer's uniform is smothering her with a pillow. The
man turns -- it is Steven. He quickly closes the door.
100D INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
He hears someone pounding on the front door. He opens the door. Nobody is there. Then the
Cable Guy pops into frame holding a cut cord.
CABLE GUY
You owe me!
Steven slams the door. Then looks through the peep hole.
101 P.O.V. THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE
The Cable Guy begins to run full speed at the door. As he does he gets bigger and bigger, and
more distorted as he come closer to the peephole. BANG! He hits the door. Then disappears from
frame. A moment later he stumbles back into frame, then walks to the far end of the hall, and runs
again to the door even faster. BANG! He staggers back into position again. He runs toward the
door.
102 INT. STEVEN'S HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Steven runs away from the front door. The door smashes open, and the Cable Guy runs after him.
Steven runs away down the hallway. The hallway appears to be a mile long. He tries to run fast
but appears to move in almost slow motion. Every time he looks over his shoulder he sees the
Cable Guy running at an alarmingly fast rate of speed toward him, grunting like a wolf. He looks
back another time and the Cable Guy is gone.
He keeps running, and the hallway starts getting smaller and smaller, till he can barely fit through.
He becomes trapped at the end of the hall. Arms come out of the window behind him and grab
him. Fifty Cable Guy faces pop out of the wall on both sides.
CABLE GUY
I just want to hang out. No big deal.
Steven breaks free of the hands and runs into his living room.
103 OMITTED
104 INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Steven runs in. The television is on. He sits on the edge of the couch not sure what to do.
He puts his head down. When he looks up, he sees the Cable Guy's face on the television set. The
Cable Guy's face stretches out from the television, getting larger and larger.
CABLE GUY
Steven, you're just like me. We're cut
from the same cloth. We're one and the
same!
Then it opens its mouth, and swallows Steven pulling him into the television.
105 INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Steven wakes up in a cold sweat.
STEVEN
(panting)
Oh my god. She's right. I am a
smotherer. I'm just like him.
The phone rings.
STEVEN
Hello.
CABLE GUY (VO)
It didn't have to come to this Steven.
We could have been blood brothers.
STEVEN
Rick told me you were fired from The
Cable Company. You're not even a real
cable guy.
106 INT. SOMEWHERE - CONTINUOUS
Close up of the Cable Guy's face.
CABLE GUY
Do you feel good now that you've hurt me?
Well now I'm going to have to hurt you.
I'm going to take away what you hold
dearest in the world.
STEVEN (VO)
I swear to God, if you touch --
CABLE GUY
Could you hold on a second, I've got call
waiting. It'll just be a sec.
He clicks over. Steven just sits there, waiting. Waiting some more. Then the Cable Guy clicks
back.
CABLE GUY
Sorry about that. Where was I? Oh yeah.
You're going to feel my wrath.
107 INT. STEVEN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
STEVEN
(pleading)
Don't do this. There must be some way
for us to work this out.
108 INT. SOMEWHERE - CONTINUOUS
CABLE GUY
I wish there was.
(losing it)
Oh Steven, I'm just so tired. So very
tired.
STEVEN
Let's talk in person. Where are you?
(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)
CABLE GUY
I'm close. So very close.
The camera rotates and reveals that the Cable Guy is actually lying down. Then the camera rises
up and reveals that the Cable Guy is lying in the floorboards right underneath Steven. A single
beam of light shines across his face. As he speaks a large daddy long legs spider crawls across his
face. He never acknowledges it.
CABLE GUY
You know, I don't think you're right for
Robin. She needs someone who can be
sensitive to her needs. Someone who
understands her soul.
STEVEN
You stay away from her.
CABLE GUY
Aren't we the control freak. Looks like
you're starting to sweat.
STEVEN
I got the camera. You can't see me.
Steven begins to pick his face.
CABLE GUY
Oh yeah? Then why are you picking your
face?
Steven throws the phone. When it lands we see the speaker phone light is on. He begins looking
for the camera. He smashes his TV.
JUMP CUTS - Steven tearing through everything in his apartment.
CABLE GUY
You're getting closer.
Steven overturns a CD rack.
CABLE GUY
Pity, such a nice CD rack. You know
sometimes the answer is right under your
nose.
Steven lloks at the floorboards, then runs out of the room, and returns a moment later with an ax.
He starts chopping at the floorboards, tearing the out.
He looks down into the hole, he sees nothing. Then a hand grabs him by the shirt and pulls his face
into the space in the floor. The Cable Guy's face appears in front of him, screaming like a mad
man. He licks Steven's face quickly, then disappears back into the hole. Steven falls back. He hears
the Cable Guy scuttle away.
Steven sticks his head back down into the hole only to see the dust in the floorboards swirl in the
aftermath of the Cable Guy's exit. He hears the Cable Guy crawling through the walls above him,
then through the side walls, and away into the distance. When it clears he discovers a small
makeshift observation room has been set up in the crawlspace.
There are a few photos pasted to the floorboards. One shows the Cable Guy as a child standing
next to his mother. Steven's picture has been pasted into those photos making him look like the
Cable Guy's brother. The only other photo is of Jerry Springer. Steven sees a small television
monitor and a set of headphones from which the Cable Guy has been watching him. He looks at a
cellular phone. Every speed dial on the back of the phone says "Steven" next to it.
Steven gets up, and runs out of his front door.
108A EXT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
It is raining lightly outside. Steven is in his car. He pulls away quickly.
109 INT. RICK'S NEWSROOM - NIGHT
Rick sits at his desk. The PHONE RINGS.
RICK
Hello.
109AA INT. MOVING VEHICLE - NIGHT
Super Close Up - What the audience will think is Steven's mouth (actually the Cable Guy)
speaking on a cellular phone.
STEVEN
Hey Rick. I need to meet with you right
away. I've got some information about
this crazy cable guy.
RICK
Me too. I've got the whole story.
STEVEN
That's great. Let's meet at the old
school at nine-thirty.
RICK
Why all the way out there?
STEVEN
I think he's been following me. Don't be
late, buddy.
109AB EXT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Steven's car screeches to a stop. He runs up to Robin's door and starts knocking. Her FEMALE
NEIGHBOOR opens her door.
STEVEN
Be home! Be home!
FEMALE NEIGHBOOR
Go away! I remember you. You're her
obsessive boyfriend. She said you might
come here. I'm calling the police.
She closers her door. He runs off.
109A EXT. HALF RENOVATED SCHOOL - NIGHT
Rick drives up, then walks into the building.
110 INT. HALF RENOVATED SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS
Rick walks through the school looking for Steven.
RICK
Steven? Steven?
In the distance he sees Steven standing in the shadows.
STEVEN
Hey Rick. I'm really excited to hear
what you found out about this nut.
RICK
I hit the Holy Grail. This guy is deeply
troubled. Only child. His mother was
arrested for prostitution, and phone
solicitation. Apparently she was some
phone sex pioneer.
STEVEN
No way.
RICK
And get this, he was discharged from the
Marines. He got mad at his Sergeant so
he sent a weapons silo to Defcon Two
using a Radio Shack computer. And that's
not the half of it.
As Rick gets closer Steven steps forward out of the shadows, and we reveal that it is not Steven,
but the Cable Guy, dressed like Steven, doing a perfect impression (actually the real voice of
Steven looped into the Cable Guy's mouth - with a very slight lisp).
CABLE GUY
Really? Tell me more.
Rick's face turns white. He stumbles backwards, trying to get away.
CABLE GUY
I'm very interested in learning
everything I can about that wacked out
cable installer.
He turns and runs. He is fifteen feet away from the Cable Guy.
The camera pushes in on the Cable Guy. He pulls out a staple gun, and fires. We hear but do not
see Rick yelp, and fall.
CABLE GUY
It sounds like he might hurt somebody.
110A INT. STEVEN'S CAR - NIGHT
Steven is driving in his car. His cellular phone rings. He picks it up.
STEVEN
(panicked)
Hello.
CABLE GUY (VO)
(talks like a game show host)
Nosey friends for two hundred. This
supposed pal of Steven's is currently
residing in the intensive care unit of
Good Samaritan Hospital.
STEVEN
Rick.
CABLE GUY (VO)
I'm sorry, you didn't answer in the form
of a question.
He hangs up.
111 OMITTED
111A EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT
Steven's car pulls up. He gets out, and runs toward the hospital.
112 INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT
Steven flies through the swinging doors, and runs through the hallway of the hospital. He walks up
to a DOCTOR.
STEVEN
(rapid fire)
Rick Legatos. He's a friend of mine.
Where is he?
DOCTOR
Room 205.
STEVEN
Can I see him?
DOCTOR
Yes. But he can't speak. He's in shock.
113 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Steven enters the room. The camera pulls back to reveal Rick laying in full traction, face down, his
rear end heavily bandaged. He is unconscious.
Steven tentatively walks over to Rick's rear end. He pulls back a small portion of the bandage and
sees that his butt is covered with staples. The staples form the shape of a television with an
antenna. Inside the TV is the word "RING."
STEVE
(perplexed)
Ring?
The phone rings. Steven jumps, then picks up the phone.
STEVEN
Hello.
CABLE GUY (VO)
Poor Rick. Seems he had a little
accident with the business end of a
staple gun.
(Revision Ends - Blue)
STEVEN
You're not going to get away with this.
CABLE GUY
The question is, are you going to get
away with it? Apparently there was an
anonymous tip placed to the police
leading them to a staple gun at the crime
scene with your fingerprints all over it.
ROBIN
(VO)
All right, I'm ready.
114-6 OMITTED (NOW A PART OF SCENE 106)
116A INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS - INTERCUT
We reveal that the Cable Guy is at Robin's apartment. They are getting ready to go out.
CABLE GUY
(non psychotic voice)
Be right there.
STEVEN
Was that Robin?
CABLE GUY
(psychotic again)
I've got to go. We're going to take a
romantic stroll on the information
superhighway.
Steven drops the phone, and runs out of the room.
116B INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Steven runs down the hall to the elevator. Before he reaches it the doors open, and the two
policemen who arrested him at work walk out. Steven quickly turns left, but the policemen see
him, and make chase.
OFFICER
Hey, hold it!
116C EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT
Steven runs out of the hospital. The two policemen run after him, about twenty feet behind.
Steven jumps in his car, and takes off. The police follow in their car.
(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)
116D EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
Steven's car turns a corner, and flies down a busy boulevard. A second later the police cars follow
with sirens blaring.
116E EXT. SATELLITE DISH - NIGHT
The Cable Guy and Robin are at the dish. He gives her the same tour he gave Steven earlier in the
film.
CABLE GUY
...it all started in Lansford,
Pennsylvania where Panther Valley
Television, with the assistance of Jerrod
Electronics, created the first cable
television system.
116F EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
The chase continues.
116G EXT. SATELLITE DISH - NIGHT
The Cable Guy and Robin are now standing on the edge of the dish.
CABLE GUY
The future is now. Soon every American
home will integrate their television,
phone, and computer. You'll be able to
visit the Louvre on one channel, and
watch female mud wrestling on another.
You can do your shopping at home, or play
a game of Mortal Kombat with a friend in
Vietnam.
117 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
The chase continues.
Steven slams on the gas, until he is driving one-hundred miles-per-hour. He weaves in and out of
traffic, running stop lights, and avoiding obstacles. The police cars disappear behind him. On a
dime, Steven turns left onto a residential street and shuts off his lights. A moment later all of the
police cars pass by. Steven pulls out and heads the other way.
117A EXT. SATELLITE DISH - NIGHT
ROBIN
This is really fascinating, but I really
think we ought to go now.
CABLE GUY
I knew you'd appreciate it. I took
Steven here once, and he didn't give a
rats ass about my interests.
ROBIN
I'm worried about Steven.
CABLE GUY
Maybe Steven should be worried about you.
(beat)
So, where was I?
118 OMITTED (NOW PART OF SCENE 109AB)
119 OMITTED
120 OMITTED
121 OMITTED
122 EXT. DIRT ROAD - NIGHT
Steven drives his car up the muddy dirt road. It gets stuck in the mud. He gets out of the car, and
begins walking to the satellite dish which is surrounded by a chain link fence. He hears the sounds
of horse hooves coming closer, and closer. The he sees a headless man on a horse ride straight
toward the fence. The horse has the coat of arms from Medieval Times. When he reaches it he
smashes off the chain with a sword, then rides through. The horse rears back on its hind legs.
The horse runs full speed directly at Steven. At the last possible moment the horse jumps over
Steven. When the horse stops, the Cable Guy pops his head through the top of his coat.
CABLE GUY
(chuckles)
Ichabod Crane! The Disney Channel showed
it all last month.
The Cable Guy rides toward him again.
CABLE GUY
(like the Vegas announcer)
Let's get ready to ruuuuuummmmbbble!!!!
(Revision Ends - Blue)
This time when he gets near Steven, he leaps off the horse, onto him. They both slam into a puddle
of mud. The Cable Guy punches him in the stomach, and then the face.
STEVEN
Where's Robin?!
CABLE GUY
This isn't about Robin, this is about you
and me.
Steven charges directly at the Cable Guy.
STEVEN
Where's Robin?!!!
Steven tackles him to the ground, and begins hitting him. They are both covered in mud like
warriors from the rain forest. Steven grabs a large rock and holds it over his head.
STEVEN
Tell me!
CABLE GUY
(nonchalantly)
I'm sorry, I didn't catch the question?
Steven brings down the rock. At the last moment the Cable Guy moves his head. The rock slams
into the ground.
CABLE GUY
Steven you've changed.
(beat - then impressed)
I like it.
The Cable Guy convulses his body, pushing Steven off him.
They wrestle on the ground. The Cable Guy gets on top of Steven, then pulls a power drill out of
his belt and turns it on.
CABLE GUY
I think it's time to make you cable ready.
He slowly brings the drill down to Steven. Steven blindly reaches behind him. He grasps a large
branch and bats the Cable Guy off him.
The Cable Guy grabs a large tree brance and runs towards Steven. They begin fighting in a fashion
which mirrors their Medieval Times swordfight.
CABLE GUY
Last time we fought I let you win! Best
two out of three!
MUSIC UP: Ominous version of the 'Star Trek' battle music.
CABLE GUY
(crazed)
You treat me like the TV! You use me, but
you can't live without me!
The Cable Guy smashes Steven in the knee with his branch.
CABLE GUY
You can't shut me off with your remote
control!!!! I'm not like Robin and Rick
and Mommy and Daddy and brother and
sister and cousin --
Steven smashes him in the head with the branch.
STEVEN
I got the point.
The Cable Guy goes down. He appears to be unconscious.
ROBIN
(in the distance)
Steven.
He looks to the dish, but cannot see her.
123 EXT. SATELLITE DISH - MOMENTS LATER
Steven climbs over the edge into the dish. Below him he sees that the bottom of the dish is filled
with several feet of rain water.
Three wires go from the points on the edge of the dish, and meet at a point at the center of the
satellite, thirty feet above the floor of the dish. ROBIN is hanging by her bound hands from the
center of where those wires meet.
Steven climbs down towrd the bottom of the dish.
ROBIN
Help me Steven!
In the background we see the blurry image of the Cable Guy climbing through an entry hatch at
the top of the dish. Robin's eyes fill with terror.
ROBIN
Steven! Look out!
CABLE GUY
(mimics her)
Yeah Steven. Look out!
The Cable Guy leaps out of the hatch like a jack-in-the-box. He slides down the dish, knocking
Steven down. The two tumble down the slope of the dish, and tumble all the way down into the
water.
CABLE GUY
(sweetly, like a girl)
I've missed you.
The Cable Guy immediately punches Steven, sending him back into the water. The Cable Guy
dives on top of him. A moment later the Cable Guy pulls Steven up, then grabs his collar and
speaks right into his face.
CABLE GUY
(dramatically)
"Dry land is not a myth, I've seen it."
Kevin Costner from Waterworld. I don't
know what the fuss was about, the movie
ruled, I saw it six times.
He pulls Steven under the water, and tries to hold him there. He pulls him up after a few moments.
CABLE GUY
Isn't it weird that we'vve wound up in
this position?
He pushes him under the water again. After a moment he pulls him back up. Steven gasps for air.
CABLE GUY
Who would have thunk it?
Enraged, Steven punches him in the mouth with such tremendous force that it appears to have
knocked his jaw out of alignment.
CABLE GUY
(without any lisp)
You're gonna have to do better than that
Steven.
(realizing his lisp is gone)
Steven. Hey, my lisp is gone.
Steven hits him again, this time on the other side of the face.
CABLE GUY
(lisping again)
You stupid son of a bitch.
The Cable Guy falls unconscious.
ROBIN
Steven!
Steven runs to her.
124 EXT. SATELLITE DISH - LATER
He runs to the side of the dish. He realizes he must climb up to release her. He climbs onto the
WIRE and begins tightrope walking toward her. He walks very slowly, almost losing his balance
several times.
STEVEN
Hang on.
CLOSE ON: The opposite wire. The Cable Guy's muddy hands slam onto it. He pulls himself up.
CABLE GUY
(laughs maniacally)
I know what your saying. Who does this
guy think he is, Jason?
STEVEN
Stay away from her!
Suddenly, the Cable Guy does a front flip, and lands perfectly on the wire.
CABLE GUY
I saw that in Trapeze, starring Tony
Curtis. He was just on "Life-styles of
the Rich and Famous." He still looks
terrific.
Steven is about ten feet from the dangling Robin, but the reverberation from the Cable Guy's
landing makes Steven lose his balance. He falls over, but catches ont the wire. He is left hanging
there.
The Cable Guy sees this, and begins to run incredibly fast toward Robin.
CABLE GUY
And the race is on.
He does a cartwheel on the strut, hops on one leg, then takes off toward her, running at full speed.
Steven, left with no other option, simply bounces up and down on the wire. Robin sees this and
joins him.
The Cable Guy begins to lose his balance.
CABLE GUY
(knows he's about to fall)
This is such an anti-climactic way to end
this.
The Cable Guy loses his balance and falls to the water below. The Cable Guy has surely met his
demise.
125 EXT. SATELLITTE DISH - LATER
Steven and Robin are sitting in the dish, a few feet from where the water begins. They are
exhausted from their ordeal. They hold each other close.
ROBIN
I'm sorry I didn't believe you. I love
you.
STEVEN
I love you too. You're right. We
shouldn't get married. I've got a lot of
problems to work out which have
absolutely nothing to do with you.
ROBIN
We'll work them out together.
They kiss. Suddenly the Cable Guy pops up from underwater. He looks frightening. Then he starts
coughing uncontrollably. He looks like a small boy who has swallowed too much water.
CABLE GUY
(between coughs)
What just happened? Where am I?
(remembers)
Oh yeah, I was trying to kill you.
He leaps at Steven, and puts him in a head-lock. He squeezes until Steven passes out. The he lays
him on the ground.
CABLE GUY
(to Robin)
It's a sleeper hold. Hulk Hogan used it
on Sly Stallone in "Rocky Three." He
should wake up in thirty seconds, so
let's get going.
He holds her around the neck, and puts a staple gun to her head, then walks her out of the dish.
Steven slowly wakes up. He looks and sees the Cable Guy and Robin beginning to climb up the
rdio antenna. He quickly gets up to follow them.
126 EXT. ANTENNA - NIGHT
The Cable Guy and Robin climb the antenna. Steven follows them up from a distance.
The Cable Guy and Robin reach a platform at the top of the antenna. The Cable Guy holds Robin
with one hand, and holds a staple gun to her temple with the other hand. Steven climbs onto the
platform.
STEVEN
Easy.
He walks with Robin to the edge of the platform. There is a one-hundred foot drop to the dish
below. A police helicopter hovers in the air around them.
CABLE GUY
It didn't have to be this way Steven. I'm
just trying to show you the kind of
things that can happen when you mistreat
people.
STEVEN
Don't do anything stupid.
CABLE GUY
You know this is just like that secen in
that Clint Eastwood movie "Dirty Harry" --
STEVEN
(snaps)
No! This is not like anything! This is
not a movie! We're real people! You're
hurting us! This is reality!
The Cable Guy's eyes turn sad. This hits the Cable Guy like a sucker punch. Dazed, he lets go of
Robin. She runs to Steven's arms.
From below we hear the sound of sirens. A pack of police cars pull up and surround the antenna.
The Cable Guy's expression changes. He begins to look like a scared little boy.
CABLE GUY
If this is reality...
(he climbs onto the guard railing)
...I am outta here.
The Cable Guy slowly falls backward off the antenna.
STEVEN
Nooo!
Steven lunges for the Cable Guy, grabbing his forearm, then grabbing the antenna with the other
hand.
STEVEN
You're not going anywhere.
The Cable Guy hangs high above the satellite dish. Steven tries to pull the Cable Guy back onto
the platform, but the Cable Guy does not want to be saved.
STEVEN
Don't do this. You just need help. We all
get lonely.
CABLE GUY
Yeah, but I get really lonely.
(beat)
I mean, look at me.
STEVEN
You're gonna be fine. Just come on up.
CABLE GUY
(a long beat)
Steven, I think I sat too close to the
television. Mommy was right.
Steven can't hold onto his forearm any longer. The Cable Guy's arm slips and Steven grabs onto
his hand at the last possible second.
CABLE GUY
It's too late for me, but there's a lot
of little Cable Boys out there who still
have a chance. Say good-bye to the baby-
sitter.
(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)
The Cable Guy stops holding onto Steven's hand. He begins falling toward the dish below.
126A EXT. ANTENNA - NIGHT
LONG WIDE SHOT of the entire antenna.
The Cable Guy falls backward toward the satellite.
127 INT. SUBURBAN HOME - NIGHT
A nuclear family is watching court TV.
On the TV - A REPORTER speaks to the camera from the courthouse.
REPORTER
This is the moment America has been
waiting for. We've just been told the
jury is ready to render their decision.
128 EXT. ANTENNA - CINTINUOUS
The Cable Guy sails through the air. As he falls he looks almost peaceful. Totally comfortable with
what he is doing.
128AA INT. COUCH POTATO APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
A COUCH POTATO sits on a fold out bed, his eyes glued on the television.
ON THE TV - The COURT CLERK is about to read the jury's decision.
COURT CLERK
By unanimous vote the defendant Sam
Sweet...
128AB EXT. SATELLITE DISH - CONTINUOUS
CLOSE ON - The Cable Guy plummeting toward the dish, about to hit.
128AC INT. NEIGHBORHOOD BAR - CONTINUOUS
The camera flies through the crowd at the same speed as the Cable Guy straight into a close up of
the television.
COURT CLERK
...has been found --
We hear a loud thud. The screen turns to white noise.
(Revised 11/14/95 - Pink)
We hear a loud thud. The screen turns to white noise.
128A EXT. TOP OF THE ANTENNA - CONTINUOUS
Steven and Robin gasp.
128B EXT. SATELLITE DISH - CONTINUOUS
From below we see the Cable Guy's silhouette motionless on the struts of the satellite dish.
128C EXT. THE CITY - CONTINUOUS
A wide panorama of the city. All of the color televisions which can be seen through the many
windows of apartments and houses turn to white noise.
128D INT. NEIGHBORHOOD BAR - CONTINUOUS
The television shows white noise. Everyone screams at the TV.
129 OMITTED
130 OMITTED
131 EXT. SATELLITE DISH - CONTINUOUS
The Cable Guy appears dead. The needle of the antenna sticks through his mid-section. A red light
blinks at the tip of the needle. Then, the Cable Guy's eyes open.
CABLE GUY
Damn, that hurt like a mother. What the
hell was I thinking?
(looks at the needle)
Oh man, that stings.
Steven and Robin look relieved.
CABLE GUY
A little help here!
132 OMITTED
133 OMITTED
134 INT. COUCH POTATO APARTMENT - NIGHT
A pasty white couch potato stares at the white noise, not sure what to do. He turns and picks up a
book. As music crescendos he begins to read.
135 EXT. SATELLITE DISH - LATER
The Cable Guy is being taken away on a stretcher toward an emergency helicopter. Steven and
Robin are covered in police blankets. Steven calls to a paramedic.
STEVEN
Is he going to be all right?
PARAMEDIC
I don't know. It's in God's hands.
The paramedics put the Cable Guy on the helicopter. The helicopter flies away.
P.O.V. SHOT - From the helicopter looking down on Steven and Robin holding each other,
getting smaller and smaller until they disappear.
136 INT. HELICOPTER - CONTINUOUS
The Cable Guy lies in a stretcher next to the paramedic. He is barely conscious, struggling for
survival.
PARAMEDIC
Hang in there buddy. Stay with me. Just
stay with me.
The Cable Guy's eyes slowly open. He motions for the paramedic to come closer.
CABLE GUY
Am I really your buddy?
137 EXT. SKY - DAWN
The helicopter flies away.
THE END
