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ACE VENTURAPET DETECTIVEWritten byJack BernsteinTom ShadyacJim CarreyEXT. STREET - DAYA UPS Man with a big pot belly is walking down the street, whistling and carelessly tossing apackage in the air. We hear the sound of broken glass in the box. He passes a professional woman.UPS MANGood morning,
ACE
I certainly do.
ON THE SCREEN
A map with several ships on the ocean.
He quickly taps in some commands and the ships start sailing in all different directions.
WOODSTOCK
That's a Norwegian whaling fleet.
I'm sending them new directional
coordinates?They'll find Jimmy
Hoffa before they find any
Humpbacks.
ACE
Gravy.
Woodstock moves to a different screen.
WOODSTOCK
Check this out.
More computer graphics come up on the screen.
WOODSTOCK
Just changed the formula for
Purina's puppy chow.
(turns to Ace)
Too much filler, don't ya' think?
ACE
(acting turned on)
I'm very attracted to you right
now.
Woodstock chuckles.
WOODSTOCK
Are you?
ACE
Aren't I? Can you still tap into
all the aquatic supply store in
the area?
WOODSTOCK
Of course I can. Why?
ACE
I want to trace the sale of any
equipment for transporting or
housing a dolphin within the past
few months?
WOODSTOCK
C'mon, Ace. I thought you might
have a challenge for me?
Woodstock starts hacking away.
ACE
Okay then, try to remember the
sixties.
WOODSTOCK
Wow! God one! Let's see?
Marine winch sling, feeder fish,
20,000 gallon tank?
He waits. We hear a beep.
WOODSTOCK
That's it. I found the culprit.
ACE
Who is it?
WOODSTOCK
(dramatically)
匰ea World.
ACE
卋astard.
WOODSTOCK
Hang on, hang on?
(He taps a couple keys)
Well, what do we have here?
That's a lot of equipment for a
civilian.
The printer spits out some data. Woodstock rips off the page and hands it to Ace.
ACE
Ronald Camp? The billionaire?
WOODSTOCK
Billionaire and rare fish
collector.
ACE
RRREHEHEALLY!
A PICTURE OF CAMP
Comes up on the computer screen.
WOODSTOCK
That, my friend, is the face of
the enemy.
He pages through his file on screen.
WOODSTOCK
匒lways tryin' to get his hands
on endangered species?
Newspaper articles fill the screen. One shows a picture of Camp and some Dolphin players.
ACE
Hold on, this guy's connected with
the Dolphins?
Ace leans in.
WOODSTOCK
Camp donated the land the new
stadium's built on.
(re: article)
Oh, look at this, he's throwin'
another, "I'm the richest man in
the universe" party.
ACE
(thinking)
Hmmm?I wonder if I can find
myself a date.
INT. CAMP'S MANSION - NIGHT
It's a magnificent home. There is an extremely formal party in progress. Twenty to thirty people
having champagne, caviar, and hot air. We see Dan Marino sitting with an audience around him.
DAN
We just choked in 82. We had a
chance to win and we didn't. But
nobody's gonna choke this time; if
they do, I'll kill 'em!
Everybody laughs.
EXT. CAMP'S MANSION - NIGHT
Ace and Melissa climb an impressive stairway leading to Camp's mansion.
MELISSA
I'm really going out on a limb
here, Ventura. Camp's social
events are strictly A-list.
ACE
(a la Love Connection)
'Well, Chuck?the date started
