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ACE VENTURAPET DETECTIVEWritten byJack BernsteinTom ShadyacJim CarreyEXT. STREET - DAYA UPS Man with a big pot belly is walking down the street, whistling and carelessly tossing apackage in the air. We hear the sound of broken glass in the box. He passes a professional woman.UPS MANGood morning,
you're paid!!
LANDLORD
I heard animals in there Ventura!
I heard 'em again this morning,
scratchin' around.
ACE
I never bring my work home with
me, sir.
The landlord notices the bags of kibble.
LANDLORD
Oh, yeah? What's all this pet
food for?
ACE
(beat)
Fiber.
The landlord isn't buying it.
ACE
You wanna take a look for
yourself? Go head.
Ace rattles his keys in the door. Then he swings it open and turns on the light. The house is clear.
Ace walks in as the landlord stands there snooping and sniffing the air.
ACE
Well?are you satisfied?
LANDLORD
(still suspicious)
Yeah, but don't ever let me catch
you with an animal in there,
that's all!
ACE
Okay then. Take care now. 'Bye
'bye.
The landlord walks away as Ace closes the door.
ACE
(quietly to himself)
LLOOSER.
He then turns to the room and gives a distinct whistle.
CHAOS ENSUES! Animals jump out from every direction. Lizards crawl out of drawers, birds fly
through the air, all of them gravitating to Ace.
ACE
(to his flock)
Ooshhooboobooboodoodoo!
INT. MIAMI DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS - LATER THAT DAY
The very imposing office of BOBBY RIDDLE, owner of the Miami Dolphins. Riddle, 70, is a
take charge, doesn't take crap from anyone type of guy. He is yelling at ROGER PODACTER,
an ex-linebacker in his early sixties, and MELISSA ROBINSON, Podacter's attractive assistant.
RIDDLE
I just want to know one thing; How
the hell do you lose a 500 pound
fish?!
Melissa's about to speak but hesitates.
RIDDLE (CONT.)
What?
MELISSA
It's not a fish, sir. It's a
mammal.
An angry Riddle stands up.
RIDDLE
Oh, thank you very much, Mrs.
Jacque Cousteau!
PODACTER
Bob, she didn't mean anything by
it.
RIDDLE calms down a little, and sits.
RIDDLE
(calmer)
Listen, personally, I don't give a
good god damn about a fish.
He looks at Melissa. She doesn't dare say anything.
RIDDLE (CONT.)
All I care about is winning this
Super Bowl! I want the players'
head in the right place. Shit,
Roger, you've been in this game
long enough, you know how
superstitious players are. Our
quarterback's been putting his
socks on backwards since high
school. And I got a lineman who
hasn't washed his jock in two
years because he thinks flies are
lucky! I want that god damn fish
on the field Super Bowl Sunday!
FIND THE FISH, OR FIND NEW JOBS!
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS ACTION
An upset Podacter and Melissa walk through the hallway.
PODACTER
Why did it have to happen now? I
got three stinking years left till
retirement.
MELISSA
I've got forty.
PODACTER
I'll tell you who did it. It was
those goddamn animal rights nuts!
Always out there with their
goddamn signs, ANIMALS WERE BORN
FREE, STOP TORTURING SNOWFLAKE!
That goddamn fish lives better than
they do!
They stop outside Melissa's office by her secretary's desk.
MELISSA
The police are checking into the
animal rights people.
(to secretary)
Martha, have the police called
back about the dolphin yet?
MARTHA
No, but I wanted to tell you, when
I lost my Cuddles, I hired a pet
detective.
PODACTER
A what?
MARTHA
A p
