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ACE VENTURAPET DETECTIVEWritten byJack BernsteinTom ShadyacJim CarreyEXT. STREET - DAYA UPS Man with a big pot belly is walking down the street, whistling and carelessly tossing apackage in the air. We hear the sound of broken glass in the box. He passes a professional woman.UPS MANGood morning,
GRUFF MAN
Son of a bitch!
He smashes the dog to the ground.
EXT. ALLEY - CONT'D
As the UPS Man/Ace rounds the corner, his shirt opens up at his pot belly and the Shiatsu's head
sticks out. Ace is gloating.
ACE
(announcer's voice)
That was a close one, ladies and
gentlemen. Unfortunately, in
every contest, there must be...
A LOOSER!
He jumps into an old beat-up Chevy Bel Air, and lets the dog out onto the passenger seat.
ACE (CONT'D)
LOOOHOOOSERRRHERRR!
He then pulls open the car's ashtray, and to the dog's delight, it's filled with puppy chow.
He tries to start the engine but it won't turn over. The dog shoots him a look.
ACE
(to dog)
No problem, it gets flooded.
We'll just wait a few seconds.
Ace sits back. SMASH!!!
From Ace's POV we see a Baseball bat shatter the front windshield.
ACE
Or, we could try it now.
Ace frantically tries to start the car. His new friend continues around the car beating the living shit
out of it.
ACE
Oooh, boy.
ACE'S POV
We see the creep wailing on the car in Ace's side view mirror.
ACE
Warning! Assholes are closer than
they appear!
The dog is barking insanely.
ACE
(to dog)
You think you can do better?!
The baseball bat is now pummeling the trunk.
ACE
Wanna give me a push while you're
back there?
BOOM! The back window shatters. Then the car's engine roars to life. Ace rejoices.
ACE
FARFEGNUGENNNNN!!!
Ace leaves the bad guy in a cloud of dust and gravel, screaming bloody murder.
EXT. MIAMI CITY STREETS - DAY
Ace and his new pal speed away freely.
Close on the happy dog, hanging his head out the car window. PAN across the broken windshield
to Ace, also hanging his head out the window to see where he's going.
The car drives by a sign on a telephone pole: "Reward" -- with a picture of the Shiatsu in Ace's
seat.
THRASH MUSIC ENDS
INT. HOUSE - DAY
A very sexy woman is hugging and kissing the Shiatsu.
WOMAN
My little baby. You missed mommy
didn't you? Did daddy hurt you?
I won't let him, no I won't. He
may have kept the big screen TV,
but he's not gonna keep my baby.
No he isn't.
(very sexy to Ace)
Thank you, Mr. Ventura. How can I
ever repay you?
She slinks over to Ace and puts her arms around his neck.
ACE
Well, the reward would be good,
and there was some damage to my ?
She cuts Ace off with a devastating kiss.
WOMAN
Would you like me to take you
pants off instead?
ACE
Ummmm?Sure.
She pulls him toward the bedroom.
WOMAN
It takes a big man to stand up to
my husband. He's already put two
of my lovers in the hospital.
ACE
How did he find out? Does he have
you followed.
WOMAN
No?I tell him
She plants a kiss on Ace's neck and pulls him down out of frame onto the bed.
EXT. DOLPHIN STADIUM PLAYING FIELD - DAY
The stands are empty, but there's plenty happening on the field. The Miami Dolphins are
practicing. Dan Marino is in top form, hitting pass after pass.
Behind one of the goal posts, the team's mascot, a rare dolphin (SNOWFLAKE), wearing #4, is
practicing his routine. The Trainer is dressed like a quarterback.
TRAINER
Blue! 42! Blue! 42! Hut! Hut!
Snowflake swims over, snatches a small football out of the Trainer's hand, and does an end zone
dance on his tail. He then returns the ball to the trainer.
The Trainer now sets the ball on the dolphin's tail and snowflake "kicks" a perfect field goal. The
Trainer blows a whistle and raises both arms.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. DOLPHIN STADIUM PLAYING FIELD - NIGHT
The stadium is now completely empty. Snowflake peacefully swims around his tank.
Suddenly, the water is illuminated by the headlights of an n.d. panel truck.
The rear door slides open. Two men jump out in wet suits.
