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ACE VENTURAPET DETECTIVEWritten byJack BernsteinTom ShadyacJim CarreyEXT. STREET - DAYA UPS Man with a big pot belly is walking down the street, whistling and carelessly tossing apackage in the air. We hear the sound of broken glass in the box. He passes a professional woman.UPS MANGood morning,
ACE VENTURA
PET DETECTIVE
Written by
Jack Bernstein
Tom Shadyac
Jim Carrey
EXT. STREET - DAY
A UPS Man with a big pot belly is walking down the street, whistling and carelessly tossing a
package in the air. We hear the sound of broken glass in the box. He passes a professional woman.
UPS MAN
Good morning, UPS!
He tosses the box behind his back like a basketball, then acknowledges another passerby.
UPS MAN
UPS, good to see you!
He takes a couple of steps, then flings the package incredibly high into the air, spins completely
around and expertly drops to one knee and catches the box. A Hispanic man passes.
UPS MAN
Buenos dias. Uo Pay eSsay.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
The UPS Man dodges a couple of black kids as though playing basketball. He runs up the front
steps of the building. He reaches out to open the front door and inadvertently flings the package
behind him and back down the steps.
He goes back, retrieves the package, then enters the building.
INT. LOBBY - DAY
Several people stand in the elevator. The UPS Man just makes it, but the door closes on the
package... REPEATEDLY. He feigns embarrassment.
INT. 3RD FLOOR - DAY
ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. The UPS Man throws the package out onto the floor and starts
kicking it down the hall like a soccer player. With one last big kick the parcel lands in front of
APARTMENT 3B. He picks it up and knocks on the door.
We hear a small dog barking.
GRUFF MAN (O.S.)
Shut the hell up, you stupid mutt!
An angry, burly man pokes his nose hairs out the chained door.
GRUFF MAN
What do you want?
UPS MAN
UPS, sir. And how are you this
afternoon? Alrighty then!
The man grumpily unchains the door. He's a big guy - 6'5", 250, and 50 of that is chest hair. A
small Shiatsu stands beside him.
UPS MAN
I have a package for you.
The UPS guy thrusts the package toward the man. We can clearly hear broken glass inside. The
man takes the package.
GRUFF MAN
It sounds broken.
UPS MAN
Most likely sir! I bet it was
something nice though! Now... I
haver an insurance form. If you'll
just sign here, here, and here,
and initial here, and print your name
here, we'll get the rest of the
forms out to you as soon as we
can.
The man begrudgingly begins to fill out the form. The dog wags his tail and whines. We can see
that he likes the UPS guy.
UPS MAN
That's a lovely dog you have. Do
you mind if I pet him, sir?
GRUFF MAN
(mumbles)
I don't give a rat's ass.
The UPS Man bends down and talks to the dog in a really sucky pet talk.
UPS MAN
Oo ja boo ba da boo boo do booo!
GRUFF MAN
(under breath)
Brother.
Before the Gruff Man can finish, the UPS Man stands back up and takes the form again.
UPS MAN
That's fine sir. I can fill out
the rest. You just have yourself
a good day. Take care, now! 'Bye
'bye, then!
THRASH MUSIC STARTS
INT. HALLWAY -- CONT'D
The UPS Man moves swiftly down the hall and into the stair well.
INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D
The Gruff Man shakes the box, tosses it down and sits in front of the TV.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - CONT'D
The UPS Man bursts from the front door and hustles down the street very quickly. He passes
several people.
UPS MAN
(quickly)
UPS, S'cuse me. UPS, comin'
through.
INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D
We see the back of the Shiatsu staring at the crack in the front door. He has not moved an inch.
The Gruff Man looks over.
GRUFF MAN
Hey, stupid! Get away from the
door!
The dog doesn't budge and this really pisses him off. He gets up and heads for the dog.
GRUFF MAN
What's the matter with you, I said
GIT!!!
He roughly picks the dog up by the scruff of the neck, but as he turns it around we see that it is a
stuffed dog. Around it's neck is a business card that reads, "You have been had by Ace Ventura -
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