we've
postured. We've procrastinated.
We've pretended. We've -- well I
can't think of other p-words, but
we've probably done them too.
JIM
Pontificated.
KEVIN
(ignoring him)
Separately, we are flawed and
vulnerable. But together, we are the
masters of our sexual destiny!
JIM
(kung fu voice)
Their tiger-style kung-fu is strong;
but our dragon style will defeat it!
OZ
(going on)
The Sha-lin masters from east and west
must unite!
KEVIN
Guys, guys -- you're ruining my
fucking moment here. Now think about
it --
Kevin jumps up on a chair.
KEVIN (CONT'D)
No longer will our penises remain
flaccid and unused! From now on, we
fight for every man out there who
isn't getting laid when he should be!
This is our day! This is our time!
And, by God, we're not gonna let
history condemn us to celibacy! We
will make a stand! We
will succeed!
We will get laid!
Kevin jumps down off the chair, and puts his hand out in
front of him. One by one, the guys pile their hands on
top, in between them -- it's a pact! They break with a
CHEER. Woo-hoo!
STIFLER
(wandering down from upstairs)
What the hell are you losers doing?
They all stop. Stifler has a toothbrush hanging from his
mouth. A goatee of dried toothpaste.
FINCH
If I might ask, when you brush your
teeth, do you spit or swallow?
Stifler tries to give a retort to Finch, but turns green
and heads back upstairs.
INT. DOG DAYS - DAY
The guys are finishing up breakfast. Hot dogs & eggs.
KEVIN
Now, the sex -- it's got to be valid,
consensual sex. No funny stuff. And
no prostitutes, if you were thinking
about that, Finch.
Finch gives a wistful "Who, me?"
KEVIN (CONT'D)
So, I'm thinking prom is basically our
last big chance.
OZ
Dude, prom sucks.
KEVIN
I know, but think about it -- At the
parties that night. Chicks are gonna
want to do it.
JIM
Yeah, it's like tradition or
something.
KEVIN
Right. That gives us...
JIM
Exactly three weeks to the day.
They take this in with some trepidation.
KEVIN
Alright then. It's official. Any
questions?
There are none. Kevin raises his Pepsi.
KEVIN (cont'd)
To the next step.
The guys raise their drinks.
ALL
To the next step.
They toast. And from this, we go into our STRATEGIZING
FOR SEX MONTAGE:
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
Jim sits in the room as Kevin goes through the yellow
pages. Finds a "Floral Delivery" listing. Kevin dials.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY
Kevin, Jim, and Oz are pooling a few dollars together,
which Kevin takes. They part ways.
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Oz is watching the Lifetime Channel as Jim looks on in
confusion. A Martha Stewart-type thing where they pain
pottery with little sponges. Oz looks dubious.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY
Finch is unpacking his lunch. He carefully unfolds a
napkin to reveal a sandwich, crust removed. Other than
that, he's doing absolutely nothing.
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
Jim is fiddling with a small, golfball-like camera
attached to his computer. The computer screen reads, "E-
DATE: We Make Love Happen." As Jim fiddles with the
camera, a window on the screen shows his real-time image.
He clicks an onscreen-button labeled "FREEZE IMAGE" --
the image freezes, showing Jim with an awkward grimace.
The screen reads, "IMAGE SENT."
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGHS - LIBRARY - DAY
Kevin holds a copy of the HOLY BIBLE. We see he's in the
"Religion" section. Surrounded by piles of different
bibles. No luck.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY
Finch pulls out a small mustard packet. He neatly snips
the end with scissors. Then rolls the packet, like a
tube of toothpaste, economically dispensing every last
bit of mustard.
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Jim is on his computer. The screen reads "YOU HAVE 00
REPLIES." Jim is nonplussed.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY
Kevin, Oz, and Jim are closely gathered around Kevin's
locker, holding their backpacks open. Kevin holds a big
shopping bag, which he turns over, and a box of condoms
falls out. He hands it over to Jim...and we see that the
guys' packs are full of various condom boxes.
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY
Jim has unraveled a bunch of condoms and is curiously
examining them.
And THE MONTAGE COMES TO AN ABRUPT END with a KNOCKING.
JIM
(shoving the rubbers into his
night table)
Just a minute!
He opens the bedroom door. Jim's Dad is standing there.
JIM'S DAD
(trying not to look inside)
Can I come in?
JIM
Yeah, sure.
JIM'S DAD
You're not...busy?
JIM
Dad, come in.
Jim's Dad reluctantly enters, carrying a brown paper bag.
He takes a seat on Jim's bed.
JIM'S DAD
(fatherly attempt)
Sit down, Jim. Let's talk.
Jim takes a seat next to his dad.
JIM
Okay.
JIM'S DAD
These are for you. From father to
son.
Jim looks at the bag. Uncomfortable. Hesitantly, he
takes it. Slowly, dreadfully, he pulls out a copy of
PERFECT 10.
JIM
Uh...dad...
Jim's Dad is doing his best to be the good father.
JIM'S DAD
Go ahead son, there's more.
Beyond embarrassed, Jim reaches into the bag. Cringes.
Pulls out a PENTHOUSE.
JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
Now, that one's a little more...a
little more...graphic.
JIM
I know, Dad.
JIM'S DAD
Oh, okay. Here's let me show you.
Jim's Dad takes the bag back. Pulls out a copy of
SHAVED.
JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
This, son, is your more exotic dirty
magazine.
JIM
Dad! I know!
JIM'S DAD
Do you know about the clitoris?
JIM
(through clenched teeth)
Yes dad.
JIM'S DAD
Sometimes it can be pretty hard to
locate.
JIM
(interrupting, hand up)
Thank you, dad, I got it.
JIM'S DAD
Okay, well that about covers it.
Jim MURMURS something incomprehensible.
JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
Now, let's put these somewhere where
your mother won't find them.
Jim's Dad takes the stack of magazines. He goes to open
Jim's night table. Jim freaks.
JIM
Wait!
But it's too late. Jim's Dad is face-to-face with the
unraveled prophylactics. He sours.
JIM'S DAD
(beaten)
I'll have to save this speech for
another day. I'm too worn out.
Jim's Dad exits, a condom stuck to the back of his pants.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NEAR THE HALL OF FAME - DAY
Kevin is trying to talk to Vicky.
KEVIN
Did you get the flowers?
(no response)
What about the poem?
She doesn't care
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