Vanderbilt."
OZ
Just don't bring it up, hang low,
maybe she won't mention it again.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY
The guys pass by a GROUP OF BAND DORKS, most notable of
which is MICHELLE, who proudly polishes her flute.
MICHELLE
And what we should do today, in band?
Instead of playing our instruments
regularly? We should play them
backwards! That'll be so funny!
The Band Dorks LAUGH and agree, "hilariously" attempting
to play their instruments from the wrong end. The guys
shudder.
OZ
(to Jim)
You guys got the Latin homework?
JIM
No -- Kevin, you?
KEVIN
(offended)
Please.
(then)
We're all golden, we're college bound.
I figured it out -- I can get a c-
minus in every class, and it's not
gonna make a difference. U of M, here
I come.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL NEAR POP MACHINE - DAY
Vicky is talking with JESSICA, a friend of hers, getting
a pop (we're in the Midwest now, gang) from the machine.
VICKY
Vanderbilt's not that far from U of M.
JESSICA
Yeah right.
VICKY
What? We both have cars.
JESSICA
Yeah but, no offense, you're talking
about a post-high school, long-
distance relationship, and you and
Kevin haven't even done it yet.
VICKY
That's not why we're going out.
JESSICA
What the hell are you expecting him to
drive to Vanderbilt for? Milk and
cookies?
VICKY
Jessica! He'll drive there for me,
and I'll drive to Ann Arbor for him.
We're going to have sex when he's
ready and I'm ready. It's got to be
completely perfect. I want the right
place, the right time, the right
moment.
JESSICA
Vicky, it's not a space shuttle
launch, it's sex. So did you do the
physics write-up?
VICKY
(offended, a la Kevin)
Please.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY
Kevin, Jim, and Oz are still walking down the hall.
PAUL FINCH, preppy, eccentric, is sitting on a bench.
JIM
There's our man.
KEVIN
Finch, you got the Latin homework?
FINCH
Non habeo. Canis meus id comedit.
The guys keep staring. A beat.
KEVIN
Whatever.
Someone is HOLLERING down the hall. Running towards Oz
is STEVE STIFLER -- very clean-cut and preppy, he's a
maniac, a jackass, much worse than Oz. Not really part
of the group.
STIFLER
(yelling)
NOVA!!
OZ
Stifler!!
Stifler runs full-force into Oz, grabbing him in a bear
hug.
STIFLER
You coming to party tonight,
Ostreicher, ya fuckface?
OZ
Depends if my date wants to stop by.
STIFLER
That junior chick?
OZ
Nah, gave her the Heisman. I'm
working on something new.
STIFLER
Yeah right. I got an idea for
something new. How 'bout you guys
actually locate your dicks, remove the
shrink wrap, and fuckin' use 'em.
OZ
Dude, it's gotta happen -- she's a
college chick!
STIFLER
Bullshit. From where?
OZ
She works part-time at my dad's store.
STIFLER
Hah! Yeah, Oz, I bet it's more like
your dad works at
her store.
OZ
Dude, he does not.
KEVIN
Really, Stifler. He's the manager.
Oz gives a little nod, avoiding the issue.
STIFLER
Hey, man, I'm not making fun. I'm
fuckin' impressed. I mean, "Footlong
or six-inch, white or wheat," that's
some serious shit to master.
Oz musters a little LAUGH.
KEVIN
(half-joking)
Stifler, you're such an asshole.
STIFLER
Meyers, what's the deal with you and
Vicky, anyway? You've been going out
since Homecoming and all she'll do is
blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a
steaming turd.
FINCH
Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of
stool?
STIFLER
(momentarily puzzled)
I do when I'm throwing them at your
mom, you damn freak.
(then)
Alright then, see you guys tonight.
I'll look for you in the No Fucking
section.
The guys all take this little too seriously to have a
comeback. Stifler just LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY as he walks
off.
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
Kevin is on the phone. Hanging near his closet is a
tuxedo. INTERCUT with KEVIN'S OLDER BROTHER -- 25, on
his cell phone, traveling down a California road.
KEVIN'S BROTHER
You called me to ask me how to get laid?
KEVIN
What was I gonna do, call dad? I
don't even know his number.
KEVIN'S BROTHER
Just dial 976-Asshole.
KEVIN
Yeah, well anyway...I thought you
might have some advice, brother to
brother. I mean, I think tonight she
might, we might really, there's a
chance that -- you know.
KEVIN'S BROTHER
Have you ever heard of the bible?
KEVIN
What? Not
the Bible?
KEVIN'S BROTHER
Well, that's not really the name, but
we always called it that.
KEVIN
Does it tell me how to get laid?
KEVIN'S BROTHER
You know what, nevermind. You're not
ready.
KEVIN
Ready for what?
KEVIN'S BROTHER
Whoop, you're fading out. Good luck
at that party.
INT. DOG DAYS - LATE AFTERNOON
A small, nostalgia-themed dive. Despite the theme,
CLASSIC ROCK plays. Kevin, Oz, Jim and Finch sit at a
table. They munch on hot dogs piled high with
condiments.
KEVIN
You ever hear of something called The
Bible?
OZ
Once, in church, dude.
Jim is paging through Great Falls' equivalent of the LA
Weekly.
JIM
Ooh, here's an easy one: "Attractive
SWF, fun loving and a youthful mind
seeks outgoing companion."
Okay..."Attractive"...ugly.
OZ
"Fun loving" -- insane.
KEVIN
Unlisted age, plus "youthful mind,"
equals old.
JIM
No, "Charming" is old. "Older" is
really old. "Youthful mind" is dead.
FINCH
Perhaps you should consider actually
answering an ad.
JIM
Finch, you can be the one to date a
nearly-dead insane chick. Eat your
damn imitation hot dog.
FINCH
("for the hundredth time")
This is no imitation. Removing the
hot dog from the Ultradog yields a
better dog. Behold -- Ultradog, no
dog.
Finch displays the cross-section on his hot dog. It's
all condiments.
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