I don't get it, that really works?
JESSICA
Duh. Of course. Naturally, I
embellished a little bit. Hey, did
you hear that Finch had sex with an
older woman?
Kevin is speechless.
JESSICA (CONT'D)
No? Damn, that one was my favorite.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - GUY'S SHOWERS/LOCKER ROOM - DAY
Toweled guys exit the steamy showers, doing a macho GREAT
FALLS LACROSSE CHANT. They exit frame, and we remain on
the showers, to hear --
OZ
(singing happily)
...I needed the shelter of someone's
arms...there you were -- woo-hoo-
hoo...
He exits in a towel and goes to his locker, next to
Stifler.
OZ (CONT'D)
(still singing)
...I needed someone to understand my
ups and my downs, oh baby there you
were...
Stifler is staring at Oz, horrified.
STIFLER
Oh my fucking God. You're gay.
OZ
(cheery)
Come on, you know the words, sing
along.
STIFLER
No thanks, you've been singing that
shit all week. If you try that at MSU
this Saturday, I'm pretending I don't
know you.
Oz stops.
OZ
Our last game is this Saturday.
STIFLER
No shit.
EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD, A BENCH - LATER
Heather is studying outside. Oz stands before her,
breathless, his hair still wet.
OZ
...I've got this lacrosse game. It's
really important, it's our last game.
And you know, Central almost beat us
last time, so I really want to kick
their ass, and it's like cool because
we're gonna get to play at State,
which means that after the game I
might be able to stop by...
HEATHER
(pause)
You can't sing at the competition.
OZ
I'm sorry, I totally spaced. I
just...I didn't realize it...
HEATHER
(upset but trying to be cool)
...it's okay, you should do whatever
makes you happy.
OZ
Alright...yeah...thanks for
understanding.
(a beat)
So I guess...I'll see you later.
An uncomfortable moment. Oz walks off. Heather looks
let down.
EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - ENTRANCE TO SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY
Kevin is at his locker, getting ready for class. Stifler
comes running up with a wicked grin on his face.
STIFLER
Kevin! You seen Shitbreak lately?
KEVIN
(immediately sensing danger)
Oh no, Stifler, what did you do?
STIFLER
Me? Nothing. I'm the one whose ass
he kicked.
(off Kevin's look)
I'll tell you one thing, though. I
don't think he's gonna have a problem
shitting in school anymore.
Stifler pulls out an empty bottle of PRESCRIPTION
LAXATIVE, maniacally LAUGHING.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY
Finch is sitting at a table, reading his paper. Kevin
comes tearing around the corner and runs up to him.
KEVIN
Finch! Get to the bathroom! Now!
FINCH
Easy, tiger. What's in there?
KEVIN
Just go!
FINCH
Why is this?
KEVIN
You're gonna shit your pants!
FINCH
Charming.
KEVIN
Finch, listen -- Stifler slipped some
sort of laxative in your Mocash-chino
or whatever. It's fast acting. I
mean
really fast.
FINCH
First of all, it's
Mochaccino, and
secondly...Oohhhh!
Finch jumps up and sprints down the hallway.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL - CONTINUING
We FOLLOW with Finch. We see Stifler down the hall,
holding open the bathroom door like a pleasant doorman.
STIFLER
This way, sit.
Finch darts into the bathroom. Stifler LAUGHS
hysterically.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY
Finch leaps into a stall and slams the door behind him.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY
Finch has stopped. He's staring down at the toilet. It
looks entirely uninviting. But he's straining,
struggling, starting to dance around, moaning as he
cramps up.
He grabs a length of toilet paper and lines the seat with
it. Then another, and another. Sweat drips off his
forehead.
FINCH
Come on come on come on...
He's got the seat lined with at least three layers of
toilet paper. Notices a spot where there's still bare
toilet seat. He tears off one square of toilet paper,
placing it on the spot. He steps back and looks it over,
still wriggling to contain his bowels.
FINCH (CONT'D)
Okay. You can do this.
He unbuckles his pants. Sits down -- just as we hear
someone enter the bathroom. Finch, still restraining,
listens for a moment...only to hear the CLICK-CLICK-CLICK
of heels.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL - DAY
The bathroom door swings closed to reveal the universal
symbol for "Women." Stifler is there, LAUGHING even
harder.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY
Finch is terrified. Through the crack between the stall
door and the frame, Finch catches glimpses of bright
colored skirts and dresses. He grits his teeth,
straining.
And a GURGLE comes from Finch's stomach. His eyes bulge.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY
A GROUP OF GIRLS is at the mirror, including the Girl
Holding Out for Finch, fixing their hair.
GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
You know it's just gonna be some
crappy band and stupid decorations.
GIRL #2
You're just saying that cause prom's a
week away and you don't have a date.
GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
No, I don't
want a date...
(increasingly dreamy)
Finch is going stag...and so am
I...the guy is like so...debonair.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY
Finch is in hell. Desperately trying not to shit.
Holding it in for all he's worth.
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
GIRL #2
Do you think that "older woman" thing
is true?
GIRL #3
Of course, it was Stifler's mom.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY
Pure agony. Finch is sweating badly. Every muscle in
his body is tensed. Tears stream from his fiercely shut
eyes.
A gastric RUMBLING. Finch's eyes flash open in terror.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY
We hear another, deeper RUMBLING. Girl #2 turns to her
friend in surprise.
GIRL #2
Joanie, was that you?
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY
Finch is struggling. Rocking back and forth. But it's
no use. He's at his limit.
FINCH
Aaaaaaarrrgghhhh!
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY
The girls at the mirror freeze -- and we hear what can
only be the SOUND OF DIARRHEA exploding into a toilet
bowl.
The girls run out SCREAMING and LAUGHING.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY - MOMENTS LATER
Finch exits the stall with trepidation, pulling up his
pants. Slowly, slinking, he approaches the door. Grabs
the handle. Composes himself. And like nothing ever
happened, he opens it.
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL - DAY
Finch comes out of the bathroom. Stops. His eyes
register complete disbelief.
A SEMI-CIRCLE OF GIRLS, including the ones we have seen
gossiping about him, has crowded around the door.
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