- —四川最大高校综合门户网
American Pie by Adam Herz WHITE REVISION: 7/7/98 NOTE: THE HARD COPY OF THIS SCRIPT CONTAINED SCENE NUMBERS AND SOME SCENE OMITTED SLUGS. THEY HAVE BEEN REMOVED FOR THIS SOFT
American Pie
by
Adam Herz
WHITE REVISION: 7/7/98
NOTE: THE HARD COPY OF THIS SCRIPT CONTAINED SCENE NUMBERS
AND SOME "SCENE OMITTED" SLUGS. THEY HAVE BEEN REMOVED FOR
THIS SOFT COPY.
INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
PAN across details in a bedroom...we see discarded
shirts...pants...socks...and hear
PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Oooh, yeah. Oh, baby, you're so good.
JIM (O.S.)
Yeah, I'm the best, baby.
Now we see a TV...but the picture isn't clear. Or, more
appropriately, the picture is scrambled -- it phases in
and out. Bars scroll across it. And we get occasional
glimpses of what looks like --
JIM (O.S.)(CONT'D)
...oh -- that was a tit, tits...
As most high-school guys know (but few will admit), it is
possible to watch the pay channels while they're
scrambled. You just need a decent imagination to fill in
the rest of the picture. We PULL BACK to see JIM -- 17,
short, horny.
PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Give it to me! Yes!
JIM
Oh yeah, baby, I'll give it to you.
Jim is, uh, physically involved with the scrambled babe.
We TILT DOWN to see a small multimedia presentation next
to Jim on his bed. "Cosmopolitan" is open to a sexy
model...a yearbook is open to the "girl's swim team"
section...and a dictionary next to Jim, open to the
"Vagina" listing, accompanied by a big vagina diagram.
PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Don't you love my sexy body?!
JIM
I do, baby, I do.
He frantically looks around...and grabs a tube sock off
the floor.
PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
You're so big!
JIM
Yeah, that's right.
PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)
(deep macho voice)
Ohhh, tell me you're a nasty girl!
Jim is thrown off.
PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)(CONT'D)
Yeahhh, you been bad, real bad!
JIM
Man, shut up!
Suddenly there's a KNOCK at the door, immediately after
which JIM'S MOM enters. Jim scrambles and quickly covers
himself and the dictionary with a pillow. She's
oblivious to his doings.
JIM'S MOM
Hey, Jimmy. I just wanted to say
sweet dreams.
JIM
Yep, okay Mom, 'night.
JIM'S MOM
(leans in to Jim)
Kiss goodnight.
Jim is revolted. Very reluctantly he gives her a kiss.
She turns to leave, and notices the TV.
JIM'S MOM (CONT'D)
Is something wrong with the reception?
JIM
Yeah. Damn cable. There's this
nature show that I'm trying to watch.
PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Fuck me! Yes!
JIM
Uh...
He hurriedly tries to change the channel with the REMOTE,
but instead the VOLUME GOES UP.
PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
BLOW YOUR WAD ON MY TITS!!
Jim panics as his mom reacts, shocked.
JIM
(choking)
Must...be...broken...
JIM'S DAD enters.
JIM'S DAD
What the heck is this?
JIM
Nothing!
JIM'S MOM
I think he's trying to watch one of
the illegal channels.
JIM
Jesus, Mom! They're not illegal!
They're pay channels. How could a
television channel be illegal?! God,
get a clue!
JIM'S DAD
James, don't speak that way to your
mother!
PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)
Play with my hairy balls!
JIM'S DAD
Turn that garbage off! Give me that!
Jim's Dad grabs for the remote, which is sitting on the
pillow that's been covering Jim. The pillow gets brushed
aside -- revealing the Big Vagina Diagram, Jim with his
shorts down, and a very strategically placed tube sock.
JIM'S MOM
Oh my God!
JIM'S DAD
Honey, why don't you let me handle this
one.
He ushers her out. Jim's Dad is stuck there with his
half-naked son. Horrible, awful embarrassment. A long,
strained beat.
JIM'S DAD (CONT'D)
Jesus Christ. The dictionary? Hell,
son, I'll buy you some dirty
magazines.
Jim's Dad exits, shaking his head. Jim sits agape,
humiliated.
PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Oooh, spank me, daddy, spank me!
EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS - DAY
We see a Honda Accord drive by a sign at the city limits:
"Welcome to East Great Falls, Michigan -- A Great Place
To Be"
EXT. FRONT OF SCHOOL - DAY
The front of the school. KEVIN drives up in his Accord.
He's a good-humored, good-enough-looking high school
senior. VICKY rides shotgun -- pretty, smart, confident.
She's holding a large, thick envelope, with a big
"Vanderbilt" return address on it.
KEVIN
It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky.
You got in.
VICKY
You think so?
She tears it open. Pulls out a course catalog, various
forms, and a letter which she hands to Kevin.
KEVIN
"Dear Ms. Hughes. We're sorry, but
after keeping you on the wait list for
the past couple months, we've decided
you are now rejected. Enclosed is a
100-page, full-color brochure on how
rejected you are."
VICKY
Kevin, this is serious!
KEVIN
You got in.
Vicky SCREAMS in excitement, like a girl at a Beatles
concert. Then she LAUGHS, and gives Kevin a big kiss and
hug.
VICKY
I love you!
She hugs Kevin tighter -- as he looks a little frazzled,
almost perfunctorily returning the hug.
EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - MORNING
Jim has met up with CHRIS OSTREICHER -- "OZ" -- a cocky
senior with a football-player build. He cradles a ball
in a lacrosse stick.
OZ
Illegal channels? Shit, if there's
any channel that should be illegal,
it's whatever that women's channel is.
Lifetime Supply of Pantyhose, or some
shit.
JIM
Yeah -- hey, did you see The Little
Mermaid on TV the other night? That
Ariel, whew.
OZ
She's a mermaid, dude.
JIM
(trumping him)
Yeah, Oz, but not when she's on land.
OZ
She's a cartoon, dude.
JIM
A hot cartoon.
OZ
Is there anything you don't jerk off
to?
JIM
C-Span?
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALLWAY - DAY
Jim and Oz, now joined by Kevin, walk down the hall. Oz
bounces the lacrosse ball off a locker, catching it
again. Kevin speaks a little distantly, unnerved.
KEVIN
Then she said -- she loves me.
OZ
Oh shit dude, the L-word!
JIM
And you said...
KEVIN
Nothing, I just hugged her back.
JIM
You think she was serious?
KEVIN
I couldn't tell -- She could've meant
like, "I love you grandma" or "I love
you
